The One Who Waits

You get this wound… it’s hurting more than you could have ever imagined. As if every inch of your body turned into pure pain.. You are astounded by its power, shocked when you realize it’s self-inflicted, and ashamed… because it’s secret, isn’t it?

So, crippled and reduced to what seems to be mere ashes of your soul you look for the power to move on. For the other’s sake. For keeping alive an image of what you were before. And because you, somehow, still find a bit of hope buried somewhere in you.

A plaster for the wound, please! A cover colored to match your appearance. To keep you safe from pity and questions. Because the power you gather keeps you ‘functioning’ but cannot supply the energy needed for justifications and endless repeating answers… from all the predators, curiosity is the most feared.

Day one.. numb but still walking and keeping a smile that will finally end up in hurting your face.. you know the sensation, you felt it before when keeping appearances and faking large smiles.. some say smile is therapeutic. Is it?! You just feel like a liar.. and this makes things worse.. but it works for the others.

Day two.. walking the hallway is like walking “the green mile” you red about once, a long time ago. Obsessive green mile..

Day three..

Day four…

Day five…

And so on and on.. and then one day you realize that THIS smile came by its self. It is here. Real. You have the courage to look at the faces around. You react. You react! Getting home.. turn on the tv and watch the drama.. and then the first tear in a long time makes it in your eyes. And then you cry. You tremble but still are amazed – you can feel!

Day 100… the sun is shining. The winter is here and its snow covers all the dirt. All is white, so white that you cannot keep your eyes open, but still you are trying and enjoying the cold bites of a mellow wind. And you like it!

Day 200… sunshine again.. you look behind and feel proud you survived, that you’ve actually made it. You’re sane. Maybe even a little happy. Above.

Day 300.. “I love you”.

Day 356 ……….. anniversary. You don’t want to think about it. This is the way you made it till here. The struggle to forget became stronger and stronger, taking over whatever else was there. You HAVE to forget! You have to forget! Never mind the stupid “calendar” your being is keeping. You are above.

Day 500.

A whisper. A dream. A smile. A pause in the conversation. An idea…

And you say to yourself “that wasn’t me. I am not weak. I am powerful. I am not unhappy. I am happy.”.. you look around proud of yourself and then.. a plaster?! What is this doing here? I think I remember something but.. it must have been something that surely disappeared. And I don’t like reminders. You take it off and the next moment you are 500 days back and worse. The cover keeping you safe from the others kept you away from your hurting self too. And the wound never healed. It grew, and it ate you bit by bit.. and that plaster was the only thing keeping bits of images and emotions together. And it’s gone.

Numb. “Emotionally unresponsive”. Not understanding. Not feeling. Hollow echoes of laughter burst from time to time. “I was above… Good joke!” “I can forgive and forget.. haha, rrrright!” Simple appreciations of your status. This is who I am. This is how I am and… I think I don’t like me”